The last two weeks have been , I think, one of the worst in my life. I hit rock bottom where nothing made sense and all the existential questions of who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what is the bigger purpose had no answers. One word was like a constant refrain in my head - ‘REPLACEABLE’. I was replaceable at home, at work, with friends. So, why? What more? What else? Sudden bouts of crying complete withdrawal from any kind of social activity and a feeling of absolute hopelessness.

This led to short spells of breakdowns in front of a close friend and my sister – both of whom, fortunately, didn’t molly cuddle me,  but got me to see some home truths about why my life is where it is.

The reason I’m sharing this here is that there is sense in the ‘all for the best’ saying that we keep saying. Everything happens with a purpose.

I needed to go through this phase of intense self reflection to look up and forward. After you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is UP. But, ONLY if you want to! I could have continued feeling hopeless and drowned in self pity - continued to go through the motions of life without actually living life but I consciously chose not to. I’ve realized that innately, I am an optimist.  I always see hope. There is a purpose to my being here.

 I am back and I am rocking – ok, maybe just swaying for now but will get there.

In my search for hope and meaning, I came across a saying that I want to share with all of you… The castles you live in were first built in the air… Live your dreams… Ariana Trinity

I went for the inaugural match at Chinnaswamy stadium – Royal Challengers Vs. Knight Riders! My first ever live match and I’ve come away an addict. The inaugural ceremony was mind-blowing! The fireworks, the gymnasts, the laser lights – I am still blown away.

As usual they had sold more tickets than the capacity so we had to watch the inaugural standing up which seemed ok as we were on our feet in any case to Shankar, Ehsaan, Loy’s music.  We did manage to settle in and find some seats for the match, thankfully. During the Knight Rider’s innings whenever there was a four or a six or even a wicket there was hindi music playing to which the cheerleaders were dancing. But what was even better was watching them dance during the Royal Challengers’ innings (Short though it was) to the latest Kannanda songs – good fun!!

And then the cricket! Macullum – absolutely brilliant! I’ve always had a soft corner for Ganguly and Ponting and to see them both run in together, celebrate was a fine moment for cricket. All the past bitterness seems to have been forgotten. And I think that’s one of the biggest takeaways from the IPL. Watching a Pollock try and get Boucher and Kallis out - or a Yuvi's captaincy being tested against Dhoni's. The teams dynamics are very interesting... And the format and the team compositions are such that every match so far has been edge of the seat excitement. I am simply loving it :-)

Dravid, after winning his match against Mumbai, said that the local lads are learning from the international players and that we must look forward to some good innings from them too - hopefully this should be true. Mumbai and Jaipur seem to be the underdogs here as they do not have as good a team as the others but who knows – this is 20:20. My current favs are the Knight Riders (sentimental choice) but I cannot resist holding out hope for Tendulkar’s Mumbai Indians. Sachin, Sachin!!

I want to end by sharing a very witty poster that someone was holding up at Chinnaswamy – ‘Six Pack vs. Six Pegs’.

Cheers to a long and exciting time for cricket!!!

There seems to be a frenzy about everything. Work is hectic, a million things to accomplish on the personal front. Politics – here in Bangalore, there is no government so there is a frenzy around who’s the next govt. SM Krishna’s been shunted here to lead the congress campaign and his first press bytes are out – over to BJP / JDS for their responses. Infrastructure? The Times of India has started a very interesting campaign called Unlock Bangalore so they are going to bombard us with data on what is wrong and how to make it right – there will be articles, discussions, etc. The new airport is another front to conquer – do we abandon the old one? Why? Why not? The Nation – we have issues with neighbors in the north, south and east. Fortunately a lot of western India is bordered by the sea and thankfully at peace. The Tibet piece seems to be coming to a head. Sports! 6 crores for a cricketer. Australia Vs. India – not that the on field happenings are nail biting enough, we now have even the off the ground activities keeping us at the edge of our seats. Will Bhajji be banned? Will Sreesanth tone down? We missed the Olympic bus in hockey and the finger pointing has begun. The stock market? Let’s not even go there!!!!

Hey, hey, hey… I am even writing in a frenzy – where is the breather?.

Where are we headed? A collective breakdown? What do you think? Is it just me? It’s all ok. ALL OK!.

I have a happy place in my mind

An empty beach, windswept,

Shimmering white sands,

Watching the tide sweep in,

Waves coming in, receding…

Coming in, receding…

Coming in, receding…

The roar of the sea, the sound receding with the waves…

It’s funny how often I visit my happy place

When life throws a googly or two up at my face

But, yes, my happy place waits for me

I can still hear the waves and the breeze.

Diwali ke jalte hue diyon mein

Mere dil mein hai jaisi, woh aag kahaan?

Raat ke kale aasmaan par patakon ki roshni

Un mein mere aankhon ki chamak kahaan?

Sabke dilon mein hain khushiyaan,

Par tumko paane ki khushi kahaan !!

A snatch of a song, from a passing car

brings back memories that I thought were afar

buried deep and unreachable, amidst the others that are easier on the heart

but now…

a wound re-opens and I will wait for time to heal it
slowly…

it’s true. I did feel something for you

why was i under the illusion that it was so strong that you would feel it too?

There will be a spate of talks on TV revolving around how we (the current generation) have taken our independence for granted. How some things still don’t change… How corruption is still rampant! But for a change, I’d like to see a positive celebration. I think we ARE proud of our Indianness. Maybe we take it for granted but we still respect it. I still feel choked when the national anthem played at the end of Rang De Basanti in a theatre in Mumbai! Or when the Indian sports team wins!  After the blasts in Delhi, when Bismillah Khan and other musicians organized the concert for communal peace on the banks of the Ganga, my heart did a silent salute to our innate spirit. The fact that students felt so strongly against reservation and quota that they took to the streets in such big numbers and across the country… There is hope. Things are changing.

But, yes, there is scope for improvement. It saddens me that there are so many barriers built between us – language, caste, race, religion. And that’s why I think what Gurmeet Singh is currently doing is very essential and important and if he manages to get some children in changing their mindsets, it will go a long way in strengthening our future. At a flower show in Bangalore last week, I saw a group of children waving banners and loudly urging people to not litter the place and to keep Bangalore green! And the children were enjoying themselves. This is great – more and more schools have begun to start activities to get children socially aware. I know that I can spare an hour or two every week for community work and I plan to do so. There is a school for the blind, and an orphanage close to home. There are some great agencies like dream a dream foundation, swabhimana, i-volunteer and family services that help give us a platform to help with various causes. Let’s all try and make a difference!. It’s about time we took full advantage of living in a democracy. Jai hind!! J

Tendulkar is back…

YES, he is!

And here we go again

Waiting with bated breath,

Crossed fingers (and some toes),

Will he do it or will he fail?

The nation looks on

Has he lost his touch,

Or does he still have the magic

The press waits

Like hungry vultures

The corporate world

Their millions riding on him

But all I can think is “Tendulkar, its great to have you back!”

And the non-stop refrain running through my mind

“Sachinnnn, Sachin!!!! Sachinnnn, Sachin!”

101 Things to do before you die  is the title of a very interesting little book – some amazing stuff that are doable but very west-focussed. I actually thought of how we could count 101+ such things in India itself, forget the Asian region!

One such thing is to visit Coorg and Yelagiri in South India and look at the night sky! An Infinite number of them stretching to as far as the eyes can see. I remember sitting silently, till the sights and sounds of the night completely take over. I try and follow the route of one of the many glow worms that’s playing hide and seek behind the coffee bushes. And then the sounds of the night - all kinds of insects and while in a city a lizard would make me jump up on a chair; and here I am completely unafraid of so many noises that I cannot even recognize!!